Mike's Place Manual of Absolute Truths
This Site was not endorsed or coerced nor conceived By any past , present or Future Mike's Place employee, unless you count me, who , as I have always maintained before, after and during my Reign as General Manager (1987-1996), was never Convicted ! Although I do confess to hiring Tobin, he and I did not conspire to start a fire on a Sunday night I really don't remember. Upon my Mike's Place retirement, I started work on the Epic "Mike's Place Manual of Absolute Truths" , which I have been Threatening to post here since 1998. Well, I finally remembered the combination to the safe where these documents have been hidden, since being backed up of my lowly 8088 XT PC. Remember, I have the right to a fair impartial trial, and cannot give evidence against myself.
Caution - This web site may contain irony, sarcasm, inane wit and/or partial Nudity; discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea, or elevated blood pressure.
This Essay started my downfall, soon I graduated to putting Signs on the "Stupid" Stuff Mike stuck up all over after he got his first cordless Drill. (See Below)
This essay was done for a Placemat commemorating Mike's Place 5th Anniversary , and actual research was used in its preparation. Contrary to popular belief, all of these things Really Happened and I’m NOT JUST SAYING THAT. Sometimes People accuse me of being Overly DRAMATIC but JEEZ !! Ya Gotta Believe !
September 5th has always been a day of Infamy. On that date in 1774 , the Continental Congress met for the first time. On that date in 1800, Malta was captured by the British. On that date in 1847, Jesse James was born in Missouri. On that date in 1901, Pres. William McKinley was fatally wounded by Leon Czolgosz in Buffalo , New York. On Sept. 5th, 1972, a group of Arab Terrorists called Black September upset the Olympic Games in Munich, Germany by killing 11 Israelis. Finally, on September 5th 1987, Mike’s Place Restaurant opened its doors and changed the restaurant world and the City of KENT forever. Here is a list of our highlights, although admittedly some are as imaginary as Mike’s oft told tales of his war duty in both W.W.I and WWII, Vietnam, and his stint as head Mess Officer for Dwight David Eisenhower in Korea.
9/5/87- Mike’s Place opens its doors to the public for the first time at 8 a.m. We were fully intending to stay open 24 hours. After being Deluged by the populace of Kent, Brimfield and Surrounding Localities, we LOCK the doors some 4 hours later to regroup.
9/6/87- We try again. This time we open at 3 p.m. , Figuring we can play catch up during third shift that night. At Ten o’clock, we lock the doors again and wonder “What have we done?” Tomorrow’s another Day ( Labor Day, in fact).
9/7/87- Our First Holiday ! We finally manage to stay open 24 full hours, but we’ve run out of most of the food that was supposed to last the first whole week.
9/8/87- We all come back to work after a frightening glimpse of our future weekends, Refreshed by having spent the night at Fallsview. Most of us haven’t been the same since.
9/9/87- Impressed by our large amount of business, Edward DeBartolo buys all adjoining parcels to Mike’s Place for a Mall to be built in honor of Mike’s Place.
9/10/87- The first (with many more to come) official mall postponement is Announced.
9/11/87- Officials of McDonald’s Corp. come to make offer to buy Mike’s Place, Mike laughs at their Clown, They Leave Dejected.
2/17/88- Burglars break in , Steal our safe, our cookbook, one gallon of BBQ Sauce, and 4 Warren Barto’s (one with extra Mayo) .
4/15/88- Burger King Officials make purchase offer for Mike’s Place . Mike laughs at their paper hats, They Leave Dejected.
5/30/88- K.S.U Students Declare Mike’s Place a Gastronomic Landmark, refuse to go home for summer without 1 more Dump Breakfast .
7/17/88- DeBartolo Corp. offers to trade the San Francisco 49ers for Mike’s Place. Won’t throw in the Cheerleaders or Summit Mall , so Mike declines. They Leave Dejected.
12/11/88- Ace Cooks Jeff and Wally (a.k.a. Wally & the Beav) ,try to burn the place down. Jim Accidentally calls the Fire Dept. instead of the Marshmallow Patrol , Spoils Kent’s biggest Cookout ever.
1/31/89- Bob Evans Corp. makes purchase offer for Mike’s Place, But Mike Scoffs at their Texas
String Ties. They Leave Dejected.
6/1/89- Mike’s Place Food Service License is finally Approved .
12/7/89- Donald Trump makes Purchase offer for Mike’s Place, Mike won’t take post-dated check, The Donald Leaves Dejected.
5/20/90- The Cleveland Browns visit while on break from spring exercises, Drink 50 Gallons of BBQ Sauce, Haven’t been the same Since.
8/12/90- After years of Labor Difficulties, Mike & Debbie have Baby girl, Name her HOPE (as in Hope she’ll be a fully trained Hostess by 2006.
12/16/90- Red Lobster Corp. Makes purchase offer for Mike’s Place, Mike says he won’t sell, He’s just too Shellfish (Arr Arr). They Leave Dejected as we pelt them with Lemon & Butter.
4/15/91- Mike survives Tax Audit, Bribes IRS Official with Breakfast for Life.
5/5/91- Yet Another Mall Delay. This time it seems that fossils are found of dinosaurs eating Curly Fries and yes, even constructing the first prehistoric Burger Bar. Archeologists start Massive search for further such treasures, but stop at Mike’s Place for Lunch First.
8/31/91- Big Boy Corp. makes purchase offer for Mike’s Place, Mike pokes fun at their statue of Ronald Reagan. They Leave Dejected.
10/31/91- Halloween Ghosts take over Mike’s Rotisserie, change it into a Ghoulish Ferris Wheel , Speed control goes Haywire. Tender Pieces of chicken are found as far away as West Branch Park.
1/12/92- Chi-Chi’s make’s purchase offer for La casa De Miquel , Mike Sneers at their Sombreros, takes Siesta while They, of Course Leave Dejected
6/9/92- Elvis comes to Mike’s Place, claims to have bought right to Kent Mall. The King says he’ll be back to start construction soon, but he must go sequin shopping first.
7/12/92- PoFolks Corp. Make purchase offer for Mike’s Place, Mike tells them to take spelling lessons with Dan Quayle. They Leave Dejected (Imagine THAT!), and Dan Quayle Cries.
8/5/92- We Celebrate our 5th Anniversary with a short stay at Fallsview. We are Forced to leave after disturbing the other patients with Real Life stories of our favorite Mike’s Place Customers. We Leave Dejected, and return to Work.
We wish to thank you all, our Loyal Customers who have helped us to become the Jedi Masters of Restaurantdom, the Studs and Studettes of Culinary Expertise & Zen Masters of the Food Wars.
The Adventures of Cater-man ( A Story problem from Hell )
Using the Mike's Place Catering menu , Figure the cost of a party of 100 , assuming that 75 people want Roast Beef , 56 want Chicken (6 want fried , the rest want Marinated ) , 95 want Au Gratin potatoes and the other 5 want Scalloped . 25 want Broccoli , 90 want Southern Beans ( 7 of those want no bacon grease ) and 30 % of the remaining people want baby Carrots.
1. If chafing Dish A Leaves Mike's Place at 3:27 P.M. and and the cake is delivered Directly and the coffee pot holds cups ( 8 oz. ) What will the final bill Amount Be if crimson tablecloths are used ?
2. If White Tablecloths are Used ?
3. What color is the Punch ?
4. Suppose 54 % of the Marinated Chicken are for Children between 3-7 ?
5. Suppose the above are children 24 hours a day ?
Attention Beer Drinkers :
While you sit there debating whether or not to try another one of our MANY ,MANY Beer Selections , allow me to regale you with a little tale of the torture behind the Mike's Place Beer Scene. See, at any given time there are about 1000 bottles of beer in our cooler and stockroom , and that doesn't include the kegs! And every morning we do Beer inventory, which means The Wicked Slave driver .. er Mike , makes us pull each one down , then place them back on the shelves all while singing " One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall " Over & Over & Over & Over & Over & Over & Over & Over & Over &Over & Over & Over & Over & Over & Over Again till we count 'em all. So, if you're still deciding on that next beer , Here's your chance to show pity on the lowly beer counters and if enough of you follow suit , WE might actually get some real work done around here for a change !
Mike’s Place has and has had some of the Greatest People in the world working here. But like every place of business, every once in a while we hire someone who just doesn’t fit here, or quite possibly, anywhere. Here are some examples :
A dishwasher who seriously said “ My Ideal schedule would be to work four days a week, with four days off.”
He didn’t like his schedule once, so he changed it ! After that we gave him 7 days a week off and we haven’t heard him complain since!
We once had an employee who either wasn’t good at math or thought we were as dumb as she , we got rid of her soon after her third Grandfather died .
We once had a dishwasher who asked why he got all the dirty work. I asked him if he knew what the food chain was. He said yes, and I replied “ You are plankton.”
We had a cook once who told another cook while Mike was on vacation that he didn’t have to listen to the Manager because he was just a lowly peon like they were . This engendered my saying “ Remember, You are just a lowly Peon, while I , I am the King of the Peons ”.
My all Time Favorite "Manager Man" line when listening to Complaining Employees : "Hey, I only Hired you once, You're the one that keeps coming Back!
Once Upon a time , some ( less than ) ingenious ( less than ) gentlemen decided they wanted a free meal from Mike’s Place . They came in, ordered dinner and a few beers , then after eating snuck out to their car. The ever alert Manager Man called the Police , who caught the guys outside in our parking lot. They got their free meal from us - the next day! We provided the meals to the prisoners of the Kent City Jail in those Days.
More To Come...
Last modified: November 25, 2010